Stages of Grief

There are several theories about the stages of grief, with one of the most recognized being the 5 stages introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, known as the Kübler-Ross model.

Although some people may go through these stages in order, they are not strictly linear. You might experience them in a different sequence or even face multiple stages simultaneously. It’s possible to skip a stage, such as anger, or move directly to acceptance. Some individuals may never reach acceptance, which is often referred to as being stuck in grief. These stages represent our emotional responses, which are unique to each person and their relationship with the lost loved one. Emotions can fluctuate based on how you feel at any given moment, and it’s common to experience multiple emotions within each stage.

Those stages are:

Denial

Grief is a powerful emotion that can be overwhelming. It’s common to respond to these intense and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change isn’t real.

This denial allows you to gradually absorb the news and start processing it. It’s a natural defense mechanism that helps numb the intensity of the situation.

However, as you move past the denial stage, the emotions you’ve been suppressing will start to surface. You’ll face the sorrow you’ve been avoiding, which is a challenging but essential part of the grieving process.

Typically, this is the first stage of grief. The pain can be so intense that you go into shock and feel numb. It’s your mind’s way of letting you handle only what you can manage at the moment. You might even deny that the event happened at all.

Coping with the denial stage of grief can be challenging, but there are several strategies that might help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s important to recognize and accept your emotions, even if they are difficult. Denial is a natural defense mechanism, but acknowledging your feelings can be the first step towards healing.
2. Talk to Someone: Sharing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide support and help you process your emotions.
3. Journal Your Thoughts: Writing down your feelings can be a therapeutic way to express what you’re going through. It can also help you track your progress over time.
4. Seek Professional Help: A counselor or therapist can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation. They can help you navigate through the denial stage and other stages of grief.
5. Join a Support Group: Connecting with others who are experiencing similar feelings can provide comfort and understanding. Support groups can offer a sense of community and shared experience.
6. Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your physical health can positively impact your emotional well-being. Ensure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in physical activity.
7. Be Patient with Yourself: Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and take the time you need to heal.

Remember, it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Grief is a complex process, and it’s important to be kind to yourself as you navigate through it. If you ever need to talk more about this, I’m here for you.

Anger

While denial can serve as a coping mechanism, anger often acts as a mask, concealing many of the emotions and pain you carry. This anger might be directed at others, such as the deceased, an ex-partner, or a former boss. Sometimes, it’s even aimed at inanimate objects. Although your rational mind knows these targets aren’t to blame, the intensity of your feelings can override that logic.

Anger can manifest as bitterness or resentment, not always as outright fury or rage. Not everyone will go through this stage of grief, and some may linger here longer than others. As the anger diminishes, you might start to think more clearly about what’s happening and begin to feel the emotions you’ve been suppressing.

This stage has no boundaries. You might find yourself angry with friends, family, doctors, yourself, or even the loved one who passed away. Anger towards God can also emerge during this time. It’s a natural part of grief, and it’s okay to feel angry. What matters is how you manage and channel that anger.

Coping with anger from grief can be particularly challenging, but there are several strategies that can help:

1. Recognize Your Emotions: Understand that feeling angry is a normal part of grieving. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without self-judgment.
2. Find Healthy Outlets: Channel your anger through physical activities like exercise, creative outlets like art or writing, or by talking to someone you trust.
3. Be Kind to Yourself: Practice self-compassion. It’s okay to feel angry, and it’s a part of the healing process. Avoid being too hard on yourself.
4. Seek Support: Connect with others who understand your experience. Consider joining a support group or talking to a grief counselor.
5. Use Mindfulness Techniques: Engage in practices like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to help manage your anger and reduce stress.
6. Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by stepping back from situations or people that may intensify your anger.
7. Consider Professional Help: If your anger feels overwhelming, seeking help from a mental health professional can provide additional support and coping tools.

Remember, it’s important to find what works best for you. Everyone’s grieving process is unique, and it’s okay to seek help when you need it.

Bargaining

During grief, you might feel vulnerable and helpless. In those intense emotional moments, it’s common to seek ways to regain control or influence the outcome of events. In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself thinking, “What if” and “If only.”

Religious individuals often try to make deals or promises to God or a higher power in exchange for healing or relief from grief and pain. Bargaining acts as a defense mechanism against the overwhelming emotions of grief, helping to delay sadness, confusion, or hurt.

In this stage, you might offer something in hopes of bringing your loved one back. For example, you might think, “I will go to church regularly if you just let her live,” or “I will do this…” or “I will stop doing that…” just to have them alive again. This stage is filled with “What if” and “If only” questions and pleas. Guilt often accompanies this stage, as we start to believe that if we had done something differently, our loved one would still be alive.

Dealing with the bargaining stage of grief can be difficult, but here are some strategies that might help:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Understand that bargaining is a normal part of grieving. It’s common to think “What if…” or “If only…” as you try to make sense of your loss.
2. Journal Your Thoughts: Writing down your feelings can help you process them and gain clarity.
3. Avoid Overthinking: Try not to get stuck in “what if” scenarios. While it’s natural to think about them, constantly dwelling on these thoughts can hinder your progress.
4. Engage in Activities: Find activities that can distract you and give you a sense of purpose, whether it’s a hobby or spending time with loved ones.
5. Seek Support: Talking to a therapist or joining a support group can provide a safe space to express your feelings and receive support from others who understand.
6. Be Kind to Yourself: Practice self-compassion. Grieving is a personal journey, and it’s important to give yourself the time and space you need to heal.

If you ever feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, and it’s okay to seek support when you need it.

Everyone’s grief journey is unique, so it’s important to find what works best for you.

Depression

While anger and bargaining can feel very active, depression often feels like a quieter stage of grief.

In the early stages of loss, you might find yourself running from your emotions, trying to stay ahead of them. By this point, however, you may start to embrace and work through them in a healthier way. You might also choose to isolate yourself from others to fully cope with the loss.

That doesn’t mean depression is easy or well-defined. Like the other stages of grief, it can be difficult and messy, often feeling overwhelming. You might experience feelings of fogginess, heaviness, and confusion.

Depression can feel like the inevitable landing point of any loss. However, if you feel stuck or unable to move past this stage, it’s important to talk with a mental health expert. A therapist can help you navigate this period of coping.

This type of depression, triggered by the loss of someone or something dear, is different from clinical depression, which is a chemical imbalance. This grief-related depression is a natural response to loss. You may begin to move away from denial and anger, though you might revisit these stages. You may feel the loss deeply, isolating and withdrawing from life, facing extreme sadness. This is a normal part of the grieving process, and skipping this stage would be unusual.

Here are some strategies to help you cope with the depression stage of grief:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Understand that feeling sad, overwhelmed, or confused is a natural part of grieving. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment.
2. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your feelings with others who understand can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.
3. Professional Help: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor. They can offer guidance and coping strategies tailored to your specific situation.
4. Self-Care: Take care of your physical health by eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. These activities can help improve your mood and overall well-being.
5. Create Rituals: Find meaningful ways to honor your loss, such as creating a memory book, planting a tree, or participating in activities that remind you of your loved one.
6. Stay Connected: Even if you feel like isolating yourself, try to maintain connections with others. Social interactions can provide emotional support and help you feel less alone.
7. Express Your Emotions: Write in a journal, create art, or engage in other creative outlets to express your feelings. This can be a therapeutic way to process your grief.
8. Be Patient with Yourself: Grieving is a personal and unique process. Allow yourself the time and space to heal at your own pace.

Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take steps to care for yourself during this time. If you ever feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for additional support.

Acceptance

Acceptance isn’t necessarily a joyful or uplifting stage of grief. It doesn’t mean you’ve moved beyond the grief or loss. Instead, it signifies that you’ve come to terms with it and understand its impact on your life now.

In this stage, you might feel very different, and that’s completely normal. You’ve experienced a significant change, which can alter your feelings about many things.

Think of acceptance as a way to recognize that there may be more good days than bad. There will still be tough days and that’s okay.

This doesn’t mean you’re alright or okay with the loss. Most people are never ok with losing a loved one. Acceptance is about acknowledging the reality of your loss and understanding that they are not coming back. This is a permanent reality.

Today, I lean greatly on 2 Samuel 12:22-23 NIV. This is about when David lost his son. Before the child died, David was in complete despair bargaining with God to let his son live. When his son died…

22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”